I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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