i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
