This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
