so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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