And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
