My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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