sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
