I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
