you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
