we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
