my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
