I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
