In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
