Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
