Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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