i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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