Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
