I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
