My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
