I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
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