How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
