i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
