We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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