I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
