my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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