How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
She has the best kind of daddy issues
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
