The maid of honor just puked.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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