Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
