Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
