u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
