is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Randomize
