does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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