6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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