all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
