dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
