I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
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