the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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