3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
