It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
