She is in my trunk
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
