you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
