i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
