Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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