after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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