How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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