he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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