I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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