found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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