I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
