dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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