If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
