The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
